Mark Serritella: News / Blog

I've talked to many people about relationships - I think we all do as we try to make sense of the what has become the modern world of dating. Where do you find honesty? Who cares? Let's do a little diagnosis though...

Here's a Top Ten list of Sign You're Being Cheated On...the smartest of us learn from other's mistakes.

10. You're up to your elbows in her 'guy friends'. There are enough guy friends to start a 5 on 5 basketball game with referees. The explanation 'I don't know why I have so many I just do'. And you think 'maybe she just does.'

9. She's still friends with guys that have asked her out right in front of your face.

8. She has the same name as Eminem's ex-wife.

7. You develop an ulcer, but you don't eat anything spicy, as you try to explain the behavior.

6. She has 'stalkers' she actually likes.

5. She says she can't stand someone, and then when she sees them, they hug like they spent time in prison together.

4. You start to hail Justin Timberlake as a lyrical dynamo.

3. In the end, she says things like 'yeah we kissed but it didn't mean anything'... you then gloss over and act like what you heard made sense.

2. When hanging out with a convicted rapist and child molester she says, 'he was framed. He even said so.'

1. You open up a book on manipulation and say 'goddamn that's what's happening to me.' You put the book down and take 'action' like Spielburg just threw down the command.

You finally approach him or her like a member of the LAPD on speed and it all comes out. If you think you're lying to yourself, you probably are... grab a badge and take action dudes and dudettes!

And under comments feel free to add your own signs!!! Let this be a safe haven for your woe!

...of their last day waiting tables. Today that dream came crashing down into my real life.

It didn't go down quite how I expected it. The 'storyline' in my head went - show up - half-drunk and a little pissed. Have my first table order hot tea - throw it in their faces, throw my wine tool through the nearest window, and burn my apron in the parking lot like a feminist with her bra circa 1968.

Instead, the day started out with a meeting where we discussed the usual mindless things artist/waiters are forced to discuss - melting butter, the timing of 'the bread drop' and how to treat a 'regular'... I'll tell you how - you treat them like everybody else - you take their order, then you go in the back, talk bad about them and sip on your hot beverage of choice.

I don't know how I did it so long... actually I do - the quick money is addicting. It's a perfect job for a drug addict, except there was one problem I'm not addicted to anything... except maybe Pardon the Interruption. Tony Kornheiser's bald head and hilarious takes on the days sports stories are like a big hit off the 'ice pipe'. I'm not even sure what 'ice' is, but Dog the Bounty Hunter talks about how it needs to get wiped off the Hawaiian islands - so I thought it was a legitimate analogy.

I am lost as far as what I originally started writing about - oh yes waiting tables and the progression of the day. It was thrilling to know I was going through a series of 'lasts'. My last old crazy lady high on prescription pills, who sprays anger at anyone in her vicinity... whether in front of or behind her like she has some type of dinosaur vision. My last Cook-to-English conversation. This has nothing to do with anti-Spanish propaganda - I just always felt bad after the conversations because I had no idea what the hell we were talking about. I don't know what I was agreeing to as I nodded my head - a couple times I may have sold my sister into slavery. And who knows how many shifts it would have taken to buy her back? And then my mom would be pissed and Christmas would be awkward. I'm just saying it's probably best I only talk to people in languages I am fluent in. By the way languages I am fluent it - English and Baseball. And my last goddamn hot tea! Hot tea is the Kryptonite of the Waiter. I have had great days decimated by Chamomile.

At the end of the day, I informed my boss about my decision to retire from the 'worlds oldest profession'. He said "you're a prostitute?" I said "no I thought waiting tables was the oldest profession". He said no "prostitution is according to the cliche, but I think the world's oldest is probably firesalesman". I said "wow firesalesman - that's funny, can I use it in my act?" He said "sure". I said "well it was nice knowing you." He said "cool man, well maybe I'll come to a show". I said "cool man great, great, great...definitely (trailing off I looked at my shoes a lil') I still quit though". He said "cool yeah got it". Then I walked out the door, into the world and breathed that fresh Los Angeles smog-air mix.

I'm free as a bird now! It's time to build my nest and chew sticks and make bird noises and fly into windows face first and just live man! Just live! Oh yeah and start a new job.

Last night, in the most bizarre comedy scene probably in the history of comedy at UC Irvine's Anthill Pub (a rich history of three weeks)... two young angry Muslim men tried to storm the stage and accost the crowd whilst 'I did my thing' and by 'did my thing' I mean do stand up comedy.

It all started before the show... I remember it like it was yesterday - oh it was yesterday - so I remember it like it was 5 minutes ago...

I was sitting in the pub enjoying an ice cold New Castle, a bottle of water and a Smoothie... yes three beverages. One for sustenance, one for hydration and one Bc some girl bought it for me and being a comedian I factor complimentary drinks into my income. I was paid 50 dollars in U.S. currency and 5 dollars in British Lager.

I sipped on my beverages and wrote some jokes content in my favorite state of mind; tapping my pen and day dreaming about how the show would go.

Next to me sat two gentlemen who would later become the assailants... I could hear them talking in loud angry tones... their main focus - hatred for all things American - but not your average take on America - Imperialism, Growing Inequality, or Slutty Semi-Famous Women. They spewed hatred towards our shoes and books and girls and I really don't know what else... all I remember was it being uneducated - and let me further the point - it was incredibly stupid... I felt like I was listening to two retarded children - and I've taught retarded children so I have a barometer.

I would learn later that UC Irvine actually has a huge problem with fundamentalists on campus.

Here's the problem with Fundamentalism in any religion... you have to be dumb to fall for it all. If you think you have ALL the answers in one book, you've 'topped out' - the learning is over and the hatred has begun. The man who knows something, knows nothing at all. And two drunk Fundamentalist Muslims some how know even less. AND you're not even supposed to be drinking! That's another problem with people who are extremely devout - they pick and choose when and where they want to believe and hold other people to impossible standards. Let's face it we all can't be Paris Hiltons! Some of us suck.

They turned their focus on me like two raptors and the second they looked at me I knew they wanted to fight - not argue but fight, fortunately we had nothing to fight about, so one of them said to me "you tap that pen really well - are you a drummer?! You have great rhythm" And the 'line behind his line' (a.k.a. his tone) was 'I really think you're a drummer and I hate drummers, and I'm jealous of your above average rhythm'.

I said 'no I'm not a drummer', which hurt because I've always wanted to be a drummer. It was like asking Michael Jackson if he was a white woman... really? you mean it? No.... no... no you don't think so... well I guess I could be. You know maybe. Oh ok.. no, back to the story.

I said "nope". His reply... "do you like hard core rap?" (A natural segway) My reply... "no", but that's the thing I do like hard core rap, and if these two self-defeating rapscallions had said it with any kind of nicety, I would have engaged them in a discussion of The Wu Tang and their impact on Lil Wayne and we could have been best acquaintances - not best friends or people who ever saw each other again - but you know best acquaintances.

The 'line behind the line' of "do you like hard core rap?" was 'I will jam two turn tables up your ass if you do not like hard core rap'. Again I declined, picked up my 1/4 of a dozen beverages and headed for the green room. Unfortunately, there was no green room, so I wandered around the bar looking for a friendly face to sit near.

I found a seat and the show soon began. The first comedian stepped on stage and during his second joke the 'heckling' began. My old 'table neighbors' screamed that he should not be telling jokes about homeless people - a point driven home with a loud "have you ever been homeless?!" The kid has quite obviously never been homeless, so the question was rhetorical. Then they screamed something about racism and Mexicans and shoes - one of their pet peeves.

Having drank many beverages I headed for the bathroom. LUCKILY they entered right behind me... they looked at me and said "we just booed that guy off stage". First of all, you never talk to another man while his pissing. It's as close to making love as two straight men will ever get. You wait till the stream has died, the hands have been washed and one of you is headed out the door, and then you say something like "I'll meet you at the bar" - it's an unspoken rule - an instinct like the biggest wolf gets the mooses ass.

Besides interrupting me this bothered me on another level - they did not boo him off stage - the show continued and noone booed - they themselves didn't even boo. Noone knew what the hell they were talking about. I could not debate though because we were still in the restroom and I was not about to break the aforementioned rules set down by 1000s of years of evolution.

I looked up at the ceiling and said "yeah".

Soon I was on stage - I knew my second joke had to do with a homeless man in San Francisco. The joke actually praises the ingenuity of this particular hobo, but the 'Magnificent Two' would have none of it... soon they were yelling at me - unfortunately for them I enjoy being heckled. I threw water on the embers of their minds and their instinct to fight came shining through. They rushed the stage! One actually made it on to the stage! He demanded the mic! I stepped to the side, mic in hand, and refused his kind offer of nothing in exchange for my microphone. He said he had to tell "them all what was really up!" But like the passengers on Flight 93, the students all rushed them! The whole crowd became instant sky marshals! It was exhilarating. They pushed him off stage and he nearly fell... he resisted but it was hopeless - the will of two could not handle the will of dozens of tens.

We all knew 'what was really up'... I knew what was 'really up' in his mind as I had been privy to his internal monologue earlier in the evening while I tapped my pen like a drummer. And they had all been privileged enough to hear their 'take' on the homeless earlier in the show.

I peppered them with retort after retort while they were thrown from the Anthill Pub. They tried to yell back but it was no use - their material devoted to American shoes and the proper treatment of homeless people during a comedy show had become exhausted, as did their will to resist being physically escorted from the building

It was over and the real set began - it was a great show - thanks to all the students at UC Irvine. Thanks for the applause and the emails - you restored my faith in America.

"Do you like Los Angeles?" The question I get asked most when I leave town. Last time, I was in Mesquite, Nevada. I had someone ask me this, and then follow up it up with "it seems like it's a bit much", right before she shoveled a Big N Tasty down her throat. (Yes they still sell them). It was one of those moments I thought "what the hell am I doing here?" "Why am I writing jokes and bearing my soul for people in the 'heartland"? An ironic nickname for people who hearts probably hate them becuase of the tremendous pounding they take as their mouths and brains conspire on a daily basis to overwhelm it with bacon grease and nicotine.

So no LA is not a bit much. The keys to living here...

1. Live near your work. I start work at 10:30 and get out of bed at 9:45. I drive four blocks and yes it takes me 25 minutes, but that's 4 Incubus tunes. And when you have some good tunes... and not alot of distance to cover, you don't notice the the newpaper/flower/orange salesmen, the two accidents involving 'non-street legal' vehicles, the lack of left turn green arrows (which would get 55% of people on Paxil.. off Paxil), the metermaids with their headshots taped to their golfcart or the coffee-drinking bum with alot on his 'to-do list' that day.

2. Ask what people do... people here are self-consumed - they love their passion and so do you - that's why you live here as well - so don't be in a hurry to talk about yourself. It's just like trying to seduce a girl - let her and make her talk. And soon you'll get what you want.

3. Figure out what you want. You can't be a model and a comedian - it's like trying to be an English professor and a Nascar driver - they clash and destroy eachother like an old co-dependent alcholic couple from Charlston, SC.

4. Try to find some time for yourself and that does not involve going to yoga to get more ripped abs - that's work. Great work but it's not rest - it's goddamn stressful - I don't care how soothing the intructor's voice is... sometimes as they count down softly while your legs are straining somewhere above your ears and out of your vision; you feel like saying "hey you're counting down but those are longer than seconds - each count is like a second-and-a-half you passive aggressive cult member! Who taught you to count - oh God it's over thank you - you little bitch. I hope one of your boobs fall out of your shirt."

5. Love your neighborhood. Love the Mexicans and the whatever those other people are - hug them and try to speak their language... and when they grimace walk away knowing you tried. High five the handi-cap. Pick up your dry cleaning and act like you care about their kid's. Feed the stray dogs and when your neighbors rabbits escape into the streets don't ask "why do you have rabbits in LA?" Give the rabbits carrots and put them on the backs of the wild dogs and have them ride around town - start an army of rabbit-weilding dogs and invade Culver City - take the town hall by force and laugh at the Mayor as he cries and say "dude I just filmed it all - it's gonna be on YouTube!" The mayor will say "really?! awesome!", because he wants people to know him too and that night he will go home and make incredible love to his wife for the first time in 6 weeks. She'll scream and he'll scream "I have made it!... and were those rabbits riding dogs?"

I'll be performing at The Reading to Kids Fundraiser April 22 at 8pm along with KT Tatara. Headlining that night will be Carlos Mencia (Mind of Mencia). Sweet. Should be a great night of comedy. Feel free to email and I'll let you know how to get tickets.

Got my first headlining gig at the Hollywood Improv on March 12, 2008 at 8pm. I'm co-headlining with Bill Burr. Should be a great event - email me if you'ld like to be on the guest list.

I also have some exciting news about a couple TV shows and should know more in a couple of weeks... I'll keep you posted.

Hello everyone. I will be recording my 4th CD at The Comedy Palace in San Diego at 8pm on December 13th...

The Comedy Palace
8878 Clairemont Mesa Blvd
SD, CA 92123
thecomedypalace.com

(858)573-9067 for reservations!


8pm
Doors 6:30 pm

Free but will be past capacity, so make reservations now!

What up? Just found out that got the first NACA Showcase of my career, so hopefully this means I'll be doing more colleges next year. It's the NACA West Regional taking place Nov 8 - 11, so if you book college events I'll see you there. If you don't, I'll tell you how it went.

Hey everyone I just got back into the Boston Comedy Festival. I perform at the Charles Playhouse at 7pm on October 8th. This is a comedy competition and a festival so anyone who wants to come out and support please do!

Also I've been added to Comedy Central's website for Open Mic Fight. Here's the link.

www.comedycentral.com/comedians/browse/s/mark_serritella.jhtml

Hey peeps, just found out I'm one of the 8 Finalists for Comedy Central's Open Mic Fight in Southern California! I'll be on their website very soon, and I'll post that link as soon as it's up. The first round is at the Hollywood Improv July, 31st at 8pm, hit me up if you want to go!

I don’t want to see real people on TV. Real people are the reason I watch TV. Hell’s Kitchen? If I wanted to deal with an angry chef I would go to my night job as a waiter. You know what I want to see? Characters. People made up and written, where average men sleep with the hottest women and each line is planned out like a George Bush press conference on Iraq.

American Idol? Isn’t cute to see Blake beatbox? No it’s annoying I don’t need to see the beatbox version of a Bee Gee’s tune. This time Blake rewinds it back so I have to get hit with it again and again like a pulsating migraine. What’s old is new again though! No what’s old and annoying is simply annoying again! Plus the Bee Gee’s had one tune - Stayin’ Alive - and it hasn’t been relevant since roller skates. I fell once while roller skating and my arm was run over by a teenager with three different color socks on and that song was playing. It should have been left in that decade with my parent’s first divorce.

I’m not even sure if that was Barry Gibb or the wax version of him came alive. Then to make everyone sing different Bee Gee songs. To pick from the bushel basket of honey dew ear pleasing hits. Well well should I take the one where the brothers Bee Gee prove they were born unics or the one conceived during a three day coke binge...where there appears to be no beginning or end and you have no clue if they live on earth or were transported from an alternate dimension. A dimension where bearded men sing as high as possible to drive away competition for food.

Well why don’t you change the channel? Because the show has my girlfriends brain hostage just like diamonds.

America’s Next Top Model - should be called America’s New Bitches. We imported bitchy women from all over the world to see... who the head bitch deems the bitchiest. Somali’s look at these chicks and say “please feed them - we’ll wait”. We should gather these women up and let them focus on driving the Bee Gee’s away once and for all.

There is only one reality show that counts and that’s the first one - MTV’s The Real World. People in their young twenties in a house - not a single one of them with an attention span longer than that of a goldfish and fake tits to boot. Toss in some liquor and a nice pad and just sit back and see what happens. It’s like an ant farm for perverts.

No competition, no screaming chef, no overly critical Brit, no one saying how much they appreciate Barry Goddamn Gibb’s contribution to music. There’s no talent... no work... no real stress beyond the acquisition of an STD. I once saw two people on the Real World cheat on their boyfriends with each other and then argue that the other one was a cheater! That’s what I need. No real goal besides that of true self-indulgence and that’s want I want with my reality shows a truly false reality fueled by prescription medication. And sure Paula Abdul comes close to this but I have to watch The Gibb to get through to it. It’s not right.


Yes I know I just said “truly false reality” and it’s an oxymoron but so are the words Barry Gibb’s Classic hits! And this needs to be recognized.

Any time Disney and Barry Gibb team up, I can’t be there. I’m pretty sure that’s how hurricanes are made. I broke my TV. Piece it back together when Alf comes back out.

No More Wars... Unless they’re against Germany. Germany is the Los Angeles Dodgers of warfare. They look good when the season starts, but then crumble. Plus when German’s speak it makes you want to punch them in the face...equaling instant credibility for the U.S. It’s a win - win.

No more acting like you care about the environment, unless you’re doing something about it, and reading articles in Time isn’t doing something about it, especially when you throw that magazine in the trash. The last time I saw someone recycle Britney Spears was still a virgin. She’s 26 now - so that means 20 years ago. You know what the earth needs? less people. Again, justifying war with Germany.

Decrease the price of Cable. I don’t need to cry when the Cable bill shows up. They call it Cox cable because that’s what they shove in your ass every month. The Cox combo is when they put their balls in their too. “You want high speed internet? Why don’t you come down here and blow Ted Turner?!” They’re broadcasting Television not nurturing my son back to health. You take out a loan to pay the cable, then they put 10 minutes of advertising per ½ hour show! It should be one or the other Cable bills as high as Whitney Houston or no advertising - I don’t need to know about Ford’s. Have you driven a Ford lately? No actually I haven’t because they’re pieces of shit.

Which brings me to number 4! No more pick up trucks unless you’re “in construction”. I don’t need NYC under water because you have a little dick. The earth is heating up faster than crystal meth in a Little Rock basement. And if you put nice shiny rims on a pick up truck, raise it up five feet and wear a cowboy hat - you should be shot on sight. This is Southern California... the closest thing we had to a cow out here died of an overdose at the Hard Rock in Vegas two months ago.

Lastly, no more covering celebrity divorces on the news. I can’t keep up. I have to work. It’s exhausting. By the time I find out people are divorced the chick is pregnant from a member of Bon Jovi. And by the time she has the kid she’s divorced again and back on the alter marrying a lesbian. The kids 5 years old and he has more step-parents and brothers and sisters and messed up cousins than a Kennedy.

The kid will be at school - someone will ask him “who’s your dad?” And he’ll say “my dad? I’m not even sure who my mom is! I live with 13 people from all over the globe. It’s like a UN meeting at my house. I know thirteen languages and none of those people even live with me anymore. We’re up in the Hollywood Hills so I think we’re hobbits! My dad may be Bilbo Baggins or Regis Philbin or Bilbo Philbin - the gardener’s brother. Maybe my dad is Madonna she has a penis now... look it you want to know my story? Call my agent I’ll write you a book - in the mean time pass me the coloring book, the apple sauce and some heroine!”

Breathe - ok so it all comes down to less... less War, less pick up trucks, less cowboy hats and hippies, less celebrity divorces, and when that’s all done punch a German.

Hello everyone it's been a while since I've posted some new news, but things with my comedy career have been so crazy I haven't had time to breathe.

Tonight I made the finals of The Uncle Clyde's Comedy Contest - It's April 5th @ 8pm at the Ice House in Pasadena! Details are available on my Calendar, and the show will be sold out so you might wanna buy your tickets now.

Also I have been splitting time between L.A. and San Diego for the last year, but now I'm permenantly moving to Los Angeles and will be based there as of April 15th! So that's cool because I love the city.

Also I just picked up a new college agent, so next year I'll be touring on my own. As you know I've been part of other people tours as a feature act, but this will be my first time headlining. I'll keep you posted on that situation. So if you're in college, I'll see you soon, and if you're about to graduate, please fail so you can attend.

Great news! They're playing me on SIRIUS Radio. My CDs have been on XM Radio for a couple of years, but people out there have been hearing them on SIRIUS as well - so I'm excited!

And recently I showcased for the HBO Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, so I'll keep you all posted! Ok, have a good day.

Bob Woodward has written a scathing review of Donald Rumsfeld in a book entitled "State of Denial". When asked about the book, Rumsfeld said "that book does not even exist".

This week Israel completed its pullout from Lebanon and Bobby Brown completed his pull out of Whitney Houston. A spokesman for Whitney Houston said "I have bags of rock for five bucks!"

Nintendo has created video games for the elderly. The elderly Ms. Pacman had to be scratched because her saggy boobs slowed her down.

Republican Sen Mark Foley has resigned over allegations that he had an affair with a 16 year old male page. He said he made a mistake when he took literally George Bush’s orders to "f@ck Americans in the ass".

San Diego is in rough shape - gas prices are the highest in the nation, rent and mortgages are constantly rising and a cop shot their starting linebacker - what’s next the mayor rapes Phillip Rivers?

Michael Jackson and his ex-wife have settled their child custody suit. The judge gave custody to the King of Pop stating "the only person crazier than Michael Jackson is the person who would marry Michael Jackson".

In 2006, Atalanta was rated the worst city for sleeping, but on the positive side it was voted best city for biscuits.

OPEC President Edmund Daukoru announced on Thursday, OPEC would cut supplies to address a 23 percent drop in prices since July 14. In related news, Edmund Daukoru just completed his application for hell.

A bodyguard for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie manhandled a photographer in India - the photographer was actually relieved afterwards noting the "manhandling" he could have received form Angelina herself.

Jennifer Lopez has had her first child - Oddly enough the child has been divorced once already and came out doing the rump shaker.

Former Miss America Shana Moakler and Paris Hilton got in a fist fight over former Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker - in related news a bartender somewhere has a hard on... the bill was entitled "When Stupid People Attack".

North Korea tested a nuclear bomb this week. They say the only thing that can survive a North Korean Nuclear blast is Kim Jong II’s toupee.

NEWS:

Mark has been accepted for the 4th time to perform at the Boston Comedy Festival taking place September 10 - 16. Mark will be at The Boston Comedy Connection on September 12th at 7pm.

Mark Serritella to continue College Tour with Dat Phan this fall. Coming to a campus near you!

President Bush just turned 60. He said he "still feels young and can't wait till he turns 50."

In a deal between George Bush and Vladimir Putin, the U.S. has decided to allow Russia to store our atomic waste. Maybe if you're good Russia you can also have our raw sewage, but only if you're good.

Shannon Dougherty will sit in for Star Jones on "The View" this week. Also scheduled to sit in are Katherine McPhee, Kelly Maraco, Carrie Anne Inaba. As luck would have it, they can all fit in the seat at the same exact time.

In Miami, Nicky Hilton says she plans to open a new hotel, and Paris says she plans to open her legs.

Paris Hilton is in a video she actually planned. It's on MTV and the singing is Hilton-esque. Upon hearing the final cut, her dog Tinkerbell said "bitch maybe I should sing back up!"

71-year old Sophia Loren is posing nude in the new Parelli Calendar... break out the Cialis and lets go crazy, but not if you have a heart condition. Oddly enough, rubber from her face was recycled from tires. Don't feel bad Sophia, I would still marry you tomorrow if you asked or if we we actaully knew each other.

A 62-year-old child psychiatrist has become Britain's oldest mother after undergoing fertility treatment The baby is 6 pounds, 10 ounces and 35 years old. It came out smoking a cigarette and with true male-pattern-baldness.

Andres Manuel Lopez canidate in Mexico's disputed election had 100,000 people show up in protest of the results. Protesters marched unabated all the way from Mexico City to Los Angeles. I'm not saying there was fraud, but there was a certain Senor Jeb Bush spotted in Mexico City last week.

The 11th Annual Redneck Games happened in Georgia last week. The games first began in 2000 and the trophy is a crushed and mounted can of Bud Light. A team from San Bernardino came in first. That's right first place, not third... first! Let's see Italy come in first place in biggest female beer gut! Go ahead have your World Cup, we got chicks who can consume 15 pounds of pork rhines, no problem, and that's hot!

Robert Downey Junior is writing an autobiography which takes a "candid look at the highs and lows of his life and career." It is reported that you can actually take the paper from the book and roll joints with it.

BLOG ENTRY:

Based on a true Story

Dennis a handsome young sales representative is in the shower, he squeezes out the last of the shower gel into his palm and lathers up his pectoral muscles for the second time. He already got that spot but the shower is warm and he doesn't want to get out. He stares out the window; it's sunny... it always is - it's San Diego. The window is open and a breeze comes through the window, turning Dennis' nipples hard.

Meanwhile another Nipple is having a very hard time of her own. It's Jill Nipple, Dennis' roommate Steven's swarthy girlfriend. She's a good girl - a throw back - looks like she should be serving beer to dwarves in Middle Earth. Pleasant, full-figured, loves to eat and laugh. She's popular with Steven's friends and she dreams of one day marrying him. Everything is so good, but not on this day!

Steven has walked up to the bagel store to grab them some egg sandwiches, but Jill's colon is already throbbing. It's beating like a drum. It feels like an oily bird is trying to hatch out of her ass. It's beak is piercing her O ring and her muscles controlling that device are weakening! "Dennis hurry up in there!" she screams again and again.... but in her own mind. She can't say that out loud - he'll know she has to take a crap!

Dennis turns up the heat and decides to take a little longer today, besides he woke up early, lifted real hard and deserves it. Ah! San Diego.

Jill's ass is going to erupt! "Maybe I should run to the gas station." she thinks. "No if I run I might loosen it up and crap my pants like Steven's friend Brian on the highway." "Ooh was that Dennis turning off the water?" "No he's turning it up?!"

Jill frantically walk/runs into the living room. Chirp! Chirp! the bird wants out and something.... two more birds are pushing it's feet! She runs out into the garage.... into the backyard.... i'll crap on the grass and blame it on the dog, besides there's plenty of dog shit out here already.

"Hey Jill!, what's up girl? You lookin fine in those pajamas" it's Steven black neighbor Roy.

"Good morning!" Jill runs back into the house. She sees her escape! Stevens newspaper. He's trying to find a new job, but who cares she can buy him a new one! She grabs it, runs out into the garage, lays down the paper, grabs the edge of the sink and shits on it like an 8 week old puppy. The sound is like.... it's like shit hitting a newspaper quite frankly.

The sound of the water rushing through the pipes remind Jill of her new nemises Dennis! The water suddenly stops. How ironic! Jill pulls her PJs up over her shitty bottom and gathers her poopy paper. Oh god! some got on the washing machine. She wipes it off with Dennis' dirty laundry, opens the garage door and throws the paper in the trash can.... never to be seen again.

Dennis leaves the bathroom and Jill quickly enters. She cleans herself up, and her mind slowly relaxes too. "It's kind of funny" she thinks to herself. She gets out of the shower and it's in the past.

Dennis leaves for work and Steven comes home bagels in hand. Should she eat again? Yeah why not? Halfway through the egg sandwiches, Steve notices his paper is gone - Dennis took it! And he needs a new job - son of a bitch!

"Babe, did Dennis take my paper?" Jill's parents told her never to lie.

"No I don't think so." is her repsonse.

Steve knows where to check! The garbage can outside. He walks out the door, but is pulled back inside by a teary eyed Jill who confesses everything to him along with her love.